Acceptance: Time is Finite

Posted on by Amy

When I say the word “Finite” I think of math. Anyone else?

Maybe it’s because my son is taking Finite Math this semester. One sentence in and I digress.

Last week I was listening to a podcast from Amanda Walker and she was talking about flipping our mindset around time and money. Many of us grew up thinking that money was a finite entity and that time would last forever.

Does that sound familiar? It does for me. Growing up when we would ask for something -or dream about something- the response was always, “do you think money grows on trees?” I can hear my dad laugh now. As a single income family (working in K-12 education), money was definitely a finite resource in our family.

Yet time- especially when you are a kid- seems like it lasts forever. Do you remember how summer break used to seem SO LONG and I swear, it would take FOREVER for Christmas to arrive. I was so eager for time to speed up and to grow up and do “adult things” (whatever that meant). How many times did my dad tell me…”You will have time for that later” or ” You have a lot of years left to do that.”

But what if you don’t?

This fall one of my son’s classmates, a HS senior, died in a tragic car accident. Like most high school deaths, it shook the school and made everyone pause.

I know this is something my son will remember forever. I still remember the first of my high school classmates to pass away. When people your age start dying…it rocks your world. Makes you realize you are not as invincible as you thought.

When I hit 40 I thought ok…I have a solid 20 yrs left…(why am I shorting myself, I don’t know). If I follow all the women in my family I have another 40 (or more years left).

But after the passing of my son’s classmate this fall and the impeccable timing of Amanda Walker podcast, I am GREATLY aware that time is finite.

We can make more money…find a better job, reduce our spending, become an entrepreneur…the opportunities are endless.

You and cannot make more time. And you do not have anyway to know when it will end.

2020 rocked my world and turned everything upside down (as I’m sure it did you). My oldest child started high school in the fall of 2020 and since then he (lovingly) reminds me that he only has (fill in the blank) time until he goes to college. Sigh.

It has all forced me to be more present, make them take the pictures, and hug them when they will let me. I go for a walk every morning and watch the sunrise. If schedules allow, I make it a point to be outside when the sun is setting. It’s my favorite time of day. Do the thing that bring you joy.

Christmas will be here in a few weeks. I make my family take holiday pictures EVERY YEAR. They hate it. I don’t care. My son doesn’t understand why I want them. It’s not for the Christmas cards (that yes, I still send out with an annual letter – do you want one? I’ll add you to our list). It’s about documenting our family and remembering what they looked like at this age, and who our family was at this moment in time. My family (especially my son) hates family photos, but I hope that one day they will be glad that we took them.

It’s All In Your Mind.

Posted on by Amy

A couple years ago on a day I was particularly struggling with work, a friend looked at me and said “Have you ever thought that the problem isn’t (fill in the blank- boss, husband, kids) but… your life?”

It made me pause. Say what?

Surely my life wasn’t the problem. It’s not me. How rude!

My misery and frustration was a result of my micromanaging boss, and my exhausting commute and husband (for whatever reason I was angry about that day). It was all the external stuff happening TO me. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t my LIFE. My life that I had dreamed of – to be married, have two healthy kids, a home of our own and an established career. I wasn’t the problem.

Anyone else have a hard time admitting when you’re wrong?

Until that moment I had never considered that I was contributing (even unconsciously) to my unhappiness.

I mentioned in an earlier post (that around this time) I had joined a multilevel marketing company. I’ve now been in a couple, and its not for me, BUT the best thing I took away from all of them is the unbelievable focus on personal development. I had never been exposed to that before.

Also around the same time I joined my first MLM, the concept of growth mindset vs fixed mindset was floating its way through my professional world. We began to receive trainings on how to help students shift their mindset.

Help students? I needed to help me!

It has been life changing. I didn’t know I was the problem. Sigh. I really HATE when that happens.

It has taken a lot of time and a lot of self reflection. I have always been really good at compartmentalizing my problems and feelings. I bury them deep. I have always been PROUD of this fact that I can put something in a box and move on. Well, you know what… the boxes just stack and get taller and taller and eventually they just topple over.

Do you do that too? Let things pile up and then it E X P L O D E S?

I have realized, especially in this last year that I need to directly face (and resurface) all the emotions that I have put away and ignored for so long. It is not easy. In fact it sucks. But in the end if you want to change and you want things to get better, you have to acknowledge where you have been and embrace it with open arms.

I always thought I was a positive person, but that doesn’t mean I had a positive mindset. I always thought I was a flexible person, but that doesn’t mean I had a growth mindset. Happiness truly does come from within, and it starts with our mind and how we think about things.

Name Your Shame

Posted on by Amy

The other day I was listening to Brene Brown….because who doesn’t love Brene Brown? In this particular episode of “Unlocking Us” she was reflecting on shame. Shame she felt about rest. Shame she felt growing up, shame that was learned from her parents about perception of work and rest.

I identified with this so much.

As a kid, I wanted nothing more than to spend time with my parents recreationally. I wanted them to sit down and watch tv, or play a board game with me. That wasn’t the kind of household we grew up in. Our family culture was not one of play or recreation or social outings. We definitely did not hang out on the weekends or Heaven forbid, spending time talking for fun. Every interaction had a purpose.

I’ve talked about my dad before. He was born in 1939, and grew up in a very different era. He was a teenager in the 50s, but didn’t have kids until the late 70s… but definitely raised us like we were back in the 50s 😊 I remember him as such a hard worker. He was occupied from sunrise until sun down and if he was at the office it was often later. When he was home he was always working in the yard, working on the cars, working on the house. On the rare occasion he stopped to sit down, he fell asleep.

My mom was also always occupied around the house. Cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. all the traditional tasks of a full-time housewife. When she did sit down, it was at the kitchen table to pay bills.

So what did this teach me? I recognize now that my vision of being an adult (particularly being a parent) meant that you are always busy. You should always be doing something. If you’re not at work making money for the family, then you should cleaning the house for the family, working on the yard for the family, cooking for the family, cleaning the garage, cleaning the cars, and so the list goes on and on.

It’s E X H A U S T I N G.

But I’m really good at it. Too good at it. Too good at filling in every little minute of every day. Over committing to fill time that I don’t even have. (Who does that?! Although I have to believe I am not alone). It was too much and as COVID hit the world, my fuse was burning out.

Reflecting on my childhood has helped me process the beliefs I carry with me today. It’s been a fascinating journey and if you have not taken the time to understand the systems that shaped you, I encourage you to do so. It is not easy, and forces you to remember and feel things that have long been buried. Doing this work though, is the only way to move forward if you want to change.

This last year and a half has helped me slow down and allowed me to rest. To prioritize myself. To prioritize my emotional and mental health. Which I didn’t even know was a thing before. I’m getting better at it – so much better that my husband teased me yesterday (after a busy Saturday) that I was going to lay down and take a nap. I was horrified at this accusation, and immediately offended. If I accidently fall asleep on the couch that is one thing….. but to INTENTIONALLY lay down and take nap – blasphemy! 😂

I’m not there yet.

Change Your Narrative

Posted on by Amy

My husband worked for many years; tired, exhausted and visibly miserable.

But he never left.

He started with his company not long after graduating from college. He ended up in a profession that he hadn’t anticipated and definitely did not go to school for. But when you are young, have bills to pay, and someone offers you a secure job with benefits and retirement you take it. I don’t think he ever intended to be with this organization and industry for more than a year or two. Yet somehow fifteen years later he was still there.

My husband has always been really good at just going with the flow and kept adjusting as his company changed and grew. He accepted every promotion along the way and though he grew within the organization… he never looked happy.

In Summer 2018 his position was eliminated.

The universe has a funny way of intervening when you’re not listening or taking the hints. His company eliminating his position was a scary time for our family and yet probably one of the biggest blessings he could have ever received. I truly believe he never would have left if this decision had not been made for him.

Through fate/happenstance/the magic of the universe he found himself attending a funeral – and at this unfortunate event, reconnected with someone he worked with ten years prior. This reconnection led to further conversations, which led to a job offer, which has led to his current role in which he just celebrated two happy years.

I recently made a change in my world, and after thirteen wonderful years with my organization … I left.

It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make professionally, but as the world slowly comes out of this pandemic and I had to ask myself what I wanted to return to. The bottom line was…. I did not want to go back to back to my same life and same routine. Something had to change. This was the one area I could control.

I am now two weeks into my new role and it was the reboot I needed. I am in the same line of work, but with a new organization, a new commute, a new office and new things to learn. Continued growth is a personal value of mine and as HARD as it was to leave…. I realized I had to. Where I was it felt so SAFE and COMFORTABLE… I knew the people, I knew the work, I had a solid routine. But in order to continue to growth and learn (at the scale I wanted to), I realized I had to make myself get uncomfortable. DAMMIT.

So, as the world returns to “normal” – or whatever we are calling it – ask yourself:

  • What do you want to return to?
  • What kind of life do you want to live?
  • What can you control?

My husband is a new man. He looks energized, he looks happy and I am excited to see him grow in this profession. He says I’m less stressed Trust me… that is good for everyone in my house.

Change your day to day. Change your routine. Get uncomfortable. And please share with me when you do.

I’m back!

Posted on by Amy

Hello friends. It is so good to here with you again after an unexpected hiatus. How have you been?

Today is Mother’s Day in the United States and at this moment I am sitting at my mom’s kitchen table with a cup of coffee, doors open and breeze coming in. It feels good to take some time to sit in silence.

The last eight weeks have been crazy, and it feels like we have been hit with a tidal wave. We struggled through the waters but happy to report I see land ahead 🙂

On my side of the world, everything started to open back as we approached the year mark in the pandemic. My kids went back to in-person learning on March 15. We gave them the choice – but after a year of being home, they were excited to attend school in person. And just like that… BAM! We found ourselves back on the pre-COVID hamster wheel. My husband and son leave for work/school at 6:30 am. My daughter and I leave for work/school at 7:30 am. Travel, school/work, activities = we usually arrive home around 8:00 pm at night where we rush to eat, shower, rest and wake to to do it all again.

It’s too much.

In the midst of returning to life as we knew it, my uncle passed away and my mother-in-law went into the hospital.

My mother was the primary caregiver of her brother for the last 17 years. With this loss comes all the emotions, and the family passive aggressive actions, and all the questions of “what happens now?” I found myself giving the eulogy to a room full of family that I will probably not see again until the next funeral. Funerals are funny, aren’t they? They are so bitter sweet.

On the day of the funeral, my mother-in-law fell (for the second time in the past couple months). We recently realized (maybe accepted??) that she was no longer able to care for herself and had been discussing different options. We were apparently too slow and the decision was made for us. This fall put her in the hospital, which led to a physical rehabilitation facility, which led to (as of four days ago) an assisted living group home.

This morning I received a text from her that her new home is “nice and clean and comfortable like being around family.” That is more than I ever could have asked for.

Checking things off the list: My mom is good. My mother in law is settled Funeral services complete and beautiful. Kids are back in school and happy.

What happens now? Now I focus on getting through the next three weeks. Somehow it’s the end of the school year…did anyone else blink and LOSE ALL OF 2021? In the next three weeks we are celebrating my birthday, my son’s birthday, band concerts, high school graduations, mixed with all the sports stuff and everything at work. Whew!

For now I am going to leave you with this picture of my mom and I (and looks like she’s pregnant with my sister. Straight out of the 1970’s. You’re welcome. Happy Mother’s Day to you and yours.

Finding Community

Posted on by Amy

Five years ago around this time I joined network marketing company.

I had no idea what network marketing was, I just knew that I liked the products, was interested in making some additional money and I trusted my friend.

Two months later I joined a SECOND network marketing company. (Go big or go home, right?) Fast-forward three months later, I was doing a great job BUYING my products, but I was not SELLING anything.😂

One of my uplines finally asked me what my “why” was. I stared at her. I had no idea what she was talking about. I had never thought about this before and could not provide an answer. It wasn’t about the money (which is why people join MLM’s, right?). I thought I was there for the cash, but if it was about the extra income wouldn’t I be out there at least trying to sell and recruit new team members?

I had to go back and do some soul searching. What was I getting out of this that made me want to join? I realized that I loved the happy hours, and the parties and the trainings and the travel to conferences for professional and personal development. I loved the people. I love the feeling of belonging. I loved the sense of community I felt when I was with them.

Fast forward to 2020 when we experienced a global pandemic and quarantine was a thing and isolation became real for everyone. We watched family struggle, heard stories of others go into depression and even attended a funeral online for a teen friend that took his life.

I realized that community it everything. Human connection is vital. I need it to survive. In reflecting (especially on my adult life) I now recognize that in everything I have done – community is what I am seeking. Teaching catechism at church, jumping into a side hustle, book club, my gym group…. they all benefit me in different ways, but the underlying theme between them is the sense of belonging, people who care, people who want to be better (and want to see me do well) and yet accept me for who I am now.

I have seen it in my kids too. In a strange year where they have not been able to attend school in person or see their friends in a year… the isolation has been hard. They are at an age that we had not embraced friends on phones yet. So they were not texting, face timing or really engaging with other kids during the pandemic. They started to become withdrawn. And visibly sad. And as much as I know they love us, seeing only their parents and no one their age was visibly hard on them. We made the decision in the fall of 2020 when their martial arts studio opened up to let them attend in person instead of continuing online zoom classes.

It was the best decision we ever made.

If they couldn’t go back to school at least the could see other kids in a venue that provided exercise and (and as a perk) structure and discipline. My daughter randomly opened up last week (and when that happens you have to capitalize on it- drop everything and listen). She shared how great her martial arts studio was and how much she liked her friends there. She had found her own sense of community.

Community looks different for everyone and takes many forums. I am thankful for my online book club, my small group fitness family, my co-workers who are like my family, and… my family. I hope you find your people and the place that makes you feel special. If you need a space to create a new one, come hang out here with me.

Managing Grief

Posted on by Amy

How do you handle grief?

I wasn’t planning to write about this today – in fact I have another post ready to go. However, on this Sunday morning I find myself sitting at my mom’s dining room table, in the house I grew up in, cup of coffee in hand… surrounded by pictures of my dad.

Grief is not something I really talk about, nor is my dad someone I discuss unless asked about. But I have written about him once before, and as I sit here today, I realize that maybe there are some feelings I need to process.

I remember the day my dad died. February 1, 2009. Super Bowl Sunday. We were throwing a party at our house with all our friends. I woke up at 5:45am to sounds of someone crying. It was so clear and so distinct that I got up. I sat still, trying to figure out where it was coming from… did I leave a window open, was it my neighbor? Was it my toddler son? I could not find the source, but I was alarmed enough that I walked to the living room and sat on the couch. Fifteen minutes later my mom called to tell me that my dad had passed. Intuition? A little clairvoyance? I don’t know.

I learned a lot about myself that day, during that time. We all process grief differently. I recall telling my husband what happened, and he immediately tried to console me. Hug me. It felt strange. I didn’t want to be hugged, I am not one that wants to be touched when emotions are high. Touch is not my love language LOL. In that moment I remember thinking I had things to do. There was no time to FEEL anything. I transitioned into task mode- that is how I manage my emotions. I do stuff to keep busy. Can you relate?

I asked my mom for a list of people she wanted me to call, I then took care of arrangements I needed to at work, anticipated being gone for at least a week. I started packing for myself and my two year old son. My mom lives within driving distance, but it’s a couple hours away. I knew she would need help with funeral arrangements and the onslaught of people (who are truly trying to be helpful, but you just don’t want in your home when your husband has just died there). Once I checked off everything on my list, I left. I didn’t take my husband with me… which retrospectively seems strange… but I don’t think he came with me. Not his choice, because I’m sure this would have been my request.

Recognizing how we react to grief and times of trauma has been insightful. I don’t emote, I bottle everything up and move into task mode. Let me clear – probably NOT healthiest way to react- but it allows me to detach in the moment so I can think clearly, be helpful to those in need and accomplish what needs to be done. There will be time to feel LATER.

Growing up I used to think that you had to LOOK SAD and you had to CRY in order to express grief. How would anyone know you are hurting if they could not visibly SEE it? But grief doesn’t take that form for everyone.

It’s important to keep in mind that we are all hurting… and we all express it differently. Some people cry, some people bake, some people tell jokes, so people exercise and some people internalize. Apparently I internalize and blog

If you have not explored how your grieve, take the time to reflect about it and give yourself grace to process it. I have bottled up and compartmentalized so much up over this lifetime and it’s now slowly coming out. It is NOT easy, but it has proven to be helpful.

It is a journey my friend, but I have faith we will we will get through it together.

You’re Too Emotional

Posted on by Amy

Let’s talk about childhood again.

When I was growing up I wanted to be a doctor. Pretty common, right? When you’re young, your world view is still pretty limited and your view of what career options are available are small. Even so, I still wanted to be a doctor. A pediatrician to be exact. 🙂 I knew I wanted to be in a helping profession (even then my Enneagram 2 was coming out , LOL). I also knew I wanted to help kids.

I would sit for hours and think about what it would be like, and even force myself to think about the hard stuff. I would think about the amount of school I would have to go through (how long it would take, how old would I be when I finally became a doctor – how would a family fit in?). I would force myself to think about blood, and surgeries and pain I would experience from hard conversations. Sounds a little crazy, but this is how 10 year old me felt I should prepare.

I remember telling my dad that I wanted to be a doctor. Instead of giving me false encouragement or entertaining my lavish dreams, his response was, “You’re too emotional.” His words stopped me and had such a profound impact. If my DAD didn’t think I could do this, could I??

So I didn’t do it.

But I still DREAMED of going into medicine, and I watched several friends go on to become doctors. Even after I completed my undergraduate degree, I went back and took classes in biology and calculus, thinking “maybe if I can finish my sciences I can still apply to medical school….”

I recently (and randomly) told my husband this story. When I told my husband that I was viewed as “Too Emotional” his knee-jerk response was “Well, you’re not that way anymore.”

I don’t think he meant it to be snarky, but once again it stopped me in my tracks. And I started thinking. Have I been working all these years to NOT be emotional? I’ve made it no secret that my relationships (and marriage) have struggled in the past largely in part to communication. It’s HARD for me to open up, to share my feelings, to express what is in my heart and on my mind.

But when did that start? I don’t think I was always that way? Was it because my father thought I was too emotional (and let’s be real, I held him in the highest regard and wanted nothing more than to make him proud). Quite possibly. So, here I am, undoing 30 years of bottled up emotions in order to try and have healthy relationships and find happiness.

This memory also gives me pause and forces me to think WHAT HAVE I SAID TO MY kids that is haunting them? Words are powerful. Words cut deep, even when you don’t mean them to.

Every time I open my mouth, I will thing amount the impact it could have.

I will also be better at FEELING. Feel and live your emotions. We are not here to be robots, right?

So my friends, I say to you – go be emotional! Let the tears flow, let you laughter ring loud and even feel the rage when you find yourself frustrated. Bottling up your emotions does no one any good, and eventually they will make their way out any way

Isolation in Motherhood

Posted on by Amy

I love my kids more than anything.

Can we openly acknowledge how hard it is, though?

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. It was never a question for me, I knew from the time I was a little girl that this was ultimately a path I would take. Call it my cultural or religious upbringing (Hispanic, Catholic family) but I am confident that my family never expected anything else either.

I didn’t know until well into adulthood that women could choose NOT to have kids. Now, at 43, I have so many friends that have chosen not to go down this path. I’m so proud of them, and for adhering to their personal beliefs and desires, against a society that still largely shames women for not following the traditional path. I say more power to you, you are strong and I see you.

Motherhood is tough. Some women step into this role with joy and grace and all the smiles of bliss. Let me tell you , I did not. I remember feeling alone and isolated. And though I was EXCITED to expand our family and be given the new name of “Mom,” I remember being scared and …. alone.

I was 29 when I had our son. I was working full time, we had just gotten married, built a house and moved to a new city the year prior. So much change all at once. I thoroughly loved my 20s, and as they were coming to a close I was ready to transition to a new chapter, but I didn’t realize how difficult that transition would be, and giving up the identity I had previously created. I loved work, and work loved me. It was truly who I was. Travel and happy hours, and late nights and … INDEPENDENCE.

We don’t live near family (not that we are states away… but ease and proximity to our parents was not convenient). When we came home from the hospital, we came home to a quiet, empty house (minus our dog that was ready to be a protective big brother). But it was so quiet and so… LONELY.

My husband took a week off work (I think) but then he was gone…. and I remember being alone for 12hrs+ a day. I didn’t know what to do. I HATED maternity leave. I hated being home, I hated not seeing people, I hated the isolation I felt. (It eerily sounds like COVID stay at home orders today). I was a new mom without a support group, or family and friends in close proximity. My friends were working, living their own busy lives and I had a crying baby with no knowledge of what to do.

Fast forward to our second child three years later. I was DETERMINED to enjoy maternity leave because I knew this would be our last. This second baby would complete my family. I was going to enjoy being a mom, I was going to enjoy staying home, and I was going to do all the things I didn’t do the first time. And then life laughed in my face I did not get to experience the maternity leave I anticipated, but we can talk about that another time.

My kids are now 14 and 11 and I LOVE THEM MORE THAN ANYTHING. Ultimately, motherhood did come easy though those early years were hard. Caring for my family feels natural, but it can be lonely and often times an ungrateful job. Until you become a parent (or a primary caregiver) I don’t think you realize how much you give and love and put into everything you do. I know I didn’t realize it, and am ever more appreciative for all my parents did to support us.

I am excited to see where the years take us and I am going to enjoy every moment, every conversation and yes, even the frustrating ones. I love the age I am now, and I love this stage in my kids lives. Every year gets better. So if you are a new mom, and feeling uncertain about everything… you are not alone. I pray that it will get better for you, as it did for me.

Change Your Narrative

Posted on by Amy

Today is the one year anniversary of the day I decided to change my life.

Well, it was really December 28th and not January 1st, but you get the point. Funny thing – I was adamant about NOT making any declarations on January 1st. Waiting until January 1st seemed so… cliché. And I really worried that if I waited until January 1st (to do anything) it would just become a New Year’s resolution that wouldn’t last, like all the others I’ve made in the past.

Every December I get a physical. Full blood work up, EKG, carotid scan, etc. After going to the doctor last December and learning (again) there was no medical reason for my pain, discomfort and weight gain…. I knew I had to make a change if I wanted to be happy. Because I wasn’t. I wasn’t happy and I felt so gross in my own skin.

My husband had been going to a small local gym for awhile, and my curiosity had been brewing. It wasn’t until an ad for them “magically” appeared while I was scrolling on my phone one night. Freaking universe. The is the thing… I firmly believe the universe presents us with what we need… we just have to be willing to act on it.

So act on it I did, and I requested more information. The next thing you know, I am showing up on Saturday, December 28th for my first work out.

IT KICKED MY ASS.

I have never done anything so hard in my life, and I literally thought I was going to die.

I remember that day so clearly, and my trainer and I still talk about it today. I have to tell you though, what was harder than my first workout was finding the courage to show up in the first place. It was one of the bravest, most out of my comfort zone things I have done. I was so uncomfortable and so self-conscience that I did not let me husband go with me. It was his gym first… but I couldn’t let me join me on this journey.

I wanted this to be about me, for me, not about him.

When I made the decision that I NEEDED HELP (#1 hardest thing to admit) I knew I needed to workout along side others with the support of a good trainer. I could not join a gym like I had done in the past, because I knew I would get on a treadmill a couple times, then pay my monthly dues and never show up again.

Wanting to go to the gym -multiple times a week which was needed to make a difference- felt so SELFISH. Does anyone else ever feel this way? I was overcome with guilt – and struggled to figure out how I could do this without inconveniencing my family. They never made me feel bad – they were extremely supportive – but my own upbringing and teachings of placing one’s needs first was not something I was familiar with.

If I went to the gym at night – I made sure dinner was prepared first. If I went to the gym on the weekend, I made sure I was back before anyone woke up. Most importantly, I went to workout. I also quit eating crap that hurt my stomach.

I went to the gym, and when COVID closed everything down, I worked out outside. In 110 degree AZ summer heat. It was rough, but showing up felt better than sitting on my couch.

I am excited for what I’ve started and where this year will go. This is just the beginning of my journey.